Debatable

The first Presidental Debate is tonight. I don't know about you guys, but I'm look forward to 90 minutes of both candidates constantly repeating, "You call that Vietnam service?". The problem with these events is that there's much more to lose in a debate than there is to gain. For example, if John Kerry comes out tonight and debates his ass off, presenting a multitude of insightful points with dignity and intelligence, he'll impress maybe 5 people. However, if he gets caught up in the moment and starts humping the leg of George W. Bush, he'll horrify millions. As a result, the entire thing is going to be incredibly boring to watch, with both candidates trying to be as homogenized and inoffensive as possible. That's not a debate, that's a wet willie in democracy's ear.

As one might expect, I have a plan to correct this. First, the debate would include a lot more people than the two major party candidates. Sure, they'd still be there, but there would also be the two craziest third party candidates, as determined by yours truly. And by craziest, I don't mean the Libertarians or the Green Party, but the people who show up on no ballots and campaign exclusively under the idea of compulsory rectal examinations each time you go to the post office. Each major party candidate would have to team up with a crazy third party guy, and then they'd switch off in the middle of the questions. I see that leading to exchanges like the following:
Moderator: What are your plans for the war on terror?
GWB: America is facing a stark moral crisis right now, at war with a force of great evil. Unlike wars of the past, though, our opposition has no public face, base of headquarters, or organized force. Due to this, the only way we can proceed is to...
Bush's partner, Gravy Boat Jackson of the Crazy Guy at the Bus Station party, then tags himself in to finish the question.
GBJ: The only way we can proceed is to use the Mexicans as human shields. When we run out of them, we'll go to Canadians. Next question, please.

Also, I think there should be a soapbox derby should be incorporated in there somehow. Screw reasoning; I want a President who can fly down the side of a hill in a wooden car of his creation. I'd like to see the whole process here. We'd start with design, watching Bush, lying on the floor of the Oval Office, sketch the whole thing out with some Magic Markers on a sheet of manilla paper. Then we'd go to building the car; we see Kerry glue his hands together when he can't decide which wheel goes where. After that, we'd go to decoration, and see Bush staying up all night trying to paint the perfect set of flames on his vehicle. Following that, we'd see some test runs, where Kerry narrowly avoids crashing into a trash can while adjusting his beret-shaped helmet. I'm not foolhardy enough to predict the winner of the race, but I can predict the result for democracy: a buttload of interested voters.

Okay, last post before the Tricentennial! My house, around 8-ish on Saturday, bring your drinking pants or, at the very least, your alcohol absorbing pants.