Maiden Voyage of the USS Awesome

I just got off the phone with the Justice of the Peace out in Cisco, Texas, where I recently received a speeding ticket, and the whole situation has officially been resolved. Let that be a lesson to all of the other crappy towns out there in the middle of nowhere. If you hide an overzealous cop out in a junior college parking lot so he can stick it to me as I drive past, you're not getting one cent more than $215 from me. Perhaps I should note that the $215 doesn't include the elaborate floral bouquets I sent to the judge, along with cards featuring a sad teddy bear and the caption, "I'm too weak for prison! They throw cups of pee at guys like me!"

Now that I have dealt with that, I can get back to putting my money in the causes I believe in, namely my attempts to locate the lost city of Atlantis. I don't claim to be entirely certain, but my research implies that the entire thing is down there at the bottom of Lake Austin. I've made numerous trips to the site, equipped only with my flippers and a little shovel, and I feel I can safely declare that the time for an excavation is now. The conditions are perfect; if I don't raise it soon, someone is going to beat me to it and make me look stupid. Luckily, now that the ticket fiasco is over, I can start devoting my income to getting my vessel out of lay away down at the submarine store.

To answer a commonly asked question, yes, I did try to build my own submarine at first. I called it the USS Awesome. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a porthole? That's not even the hard part! I still have air purification systems and robot arms to construct after that. Then, aside from all of that, my hands were pretty much ruined from all of the crazy glue and balsa wood. Perhaps those weren't the smartest choices for building materials, but I didn't see anyone offering to give me some sheets of titanium along with welding lessons. I had to go with what I knew. In the end, it did not work. I am slightly saddened by the fact that I'll be excavating Atlantis in a craft without flames on the side or a built in snow cone machine. I'd certainly trade those amenties to make a single trip without getting covered in splinters. Ahh, the USS Awesome, she could've used some sanding.