The week of music-centric gobbledygook continues! However, writing about a single song, like I've done the past two days, just isn't working for this hombre on this humid-as-a-wookie's-butt Wednesday evening. Instead, I vote we spread it out and take this bus to List Town. Uhh, we'll say a list of best songs for certain situations. Who's wants to ride shotgun?!
Best song to make omelettes to: "Calistan", Frank Black
Best song to eat omelettes to, if you think that the eggs you used were expired and death could well be at hand: "Groundhog Blues", John Lee Hooker
Best song to play when you sense the only thing keeping you from beating Super Macho Man on Punch Out is low morale: "Rise Above", Black Flag
Best song to put on repeat when your neighbors launch into another marathon sexual session: The entire "Purple Rain" soundtrack, Prince
Best song to clean to, after you've eaten too many pickles and now find yourself in a brine-fueled mania: "White Man's Bourbon", Robbie Fulks
Best song to write letters to Corey Haim to: "Shake Your Love", Debbie Gibson
Best song to open mail to, when you're trying to act like you're not expecting a
response from Corey even though you know it's totally possible: "Walking After Midnight", Patsy Cline
Best song to play when you come up short at the cash register of a buffet, and are subsequently forced to wash dishes for an hour in the back with a dude from El Salvador who has a tattoo on his gums: "Ballad of the Alamo", Marty Robbins
Best song to hastily dig a ditch to, when you discover it's a not a statue, but an actual bald eagle that you've been throwing whiskey bottles at: "I Am a Tree", Guided by Voices
Best song to console Hulk Hogan to, when Christopher Lloyd tells him to shove his idea for "Suburban Commando 2" right up his butt: "Don't Cry, Baby", Etta James
Best song to defend your loved ones to, in the event of a platypus uprising: "Boy Named Sue", Johnny Cash
Best song to play at your trial, after the head platypus busts down the door, strips you of your steak knives and toy boomerang, and takes you into custody: "Watching the Detectives", Elvis Costello
Best song to plan an escape from platypus prison to: "For Those About to Rock, We Salute You", AC/DC
Best song to deliver an impassioned speech to your fellow prisoners to, where you say that the whole tunnel idea was yours and as such, you demand to be lead digger: "Death or Glory", The Clash
Best song to seduce a lady platypus guard to, after the tunnel collapses and you must fall back on Plan B: "Turn Off the Lights", Teddy Pendergrass
Best song to hide your plaintive weeping to, when the lady platypus guard takes it the wrong way and wants to know when things are going to get serious: "What Have I Done", Jimmie Rodgers
Best song to sing at subsequent wedding to lady platypus guard, who, in all honesty, ain't all that bad in the sack and is one hell of a good cook: "You Were Meant for Me", Jewel
Posted by Cody at September 15, 2004 6:13 PM