Gotta Support the Team

The Yankees vs. Red Sox playoff series starts tonight, and like every being with a soul, I will be pulling for the Red Sox. In fact, I feel so strongly about this, I will try to infiltrate the Yankees pitching staff so I can engineer their doom from the inside. To those of you doubting my ability to do that, I point to my Little League record. I played baseball for several years, but I only made one appearance as a pitcher. After trotting out to the mound and warming up, I walked the first guy on four pitches, hit the next dude in the head, and then promptly got put back on the bench. Never one to take it personally, I immediately resumed my usual gametime activity of eating all of the orange slices and talking way too animatedly about the Ninja Turtles.

In retrospect, I should've been left in there a little longer. The first walk was a result of me shaking my jitters out; that's understandable. Hitting the next guy in the head was my attempt to establish dominance over the strike zone. I owned the inside of that plate, and I'd be a bug eyed mule before I let some uppity 9 year old from Grand Prarie take that away from me. It's called power pitching! Sandy Koufax threw brushbacks all the time, but just because my own attempt was slightly more injurious, I got pulled. It's been 15 years since that fateful night, and I still think the whole thing stinks.

My point: I possess an incredible lack of skill in this area, and I wish to use it to help the Red Sox. There are a few options here. I could disguise myself as the Yankees pitching coach, so I could offer the Yankees pitchers my well-meaning, but ultimately disastrous advice. Here's one gem I'd share with them.

Listen up, ladies. All of you who want to lose, please continue pitching as normal. For those of you who LUST FOR TRIUMPH, take out your notepads and write down every damn word I'm about to say.
The guys we're facing tonight have all been playing baseball for a really long time. How many fastballs and curveballs do you think they've have seen? Probably a billion. And we're certainly not going to catch them offguard by throwing them a billion more in this series. No, I think we need to do something a little unorthodox if we want to beat these babies.
I am going to suggest we implement a policy of total unpredictability when we're on the mound. Maybe for one pitch, you toss the ball in the air and then kick it towards the batter, like Pele. After that, you could throw your shoes and the ball at the guy all at once. Then, you might start crying hysterically, and when the batter comes out to comfort you, you zing a strike in there real quick. The sky is the limit here, people; you can incorporate nudity, midgets, amphibious rodents, whatever. It's not baseball anymore, it's basebonkers.

In the unlikely event the Yankees refuse recognize my authority as coach, I can take the more direct route of jumping their pitcher in the bathroom. I'll put on his uniform and run out there. By the time they realize what's happened, I'll already have given up homeruns to half the team, while hitting the other half in the face with the ball. Although I don't like my chances of getting it over 50 mph, you'll probably want to keep some Neosporin in the dugout just in case.