October 11, 2004

Its Getting Chilly In Here

If I'm not mistaken, the weather is starting to get a little colder, and I'm getting a little happier. I love the cold. Just how much do I love it? Well, if I could swing it, I'd get a job as the Abominable Snowman's caretaker. If I could find a vet to vaccinate it, I'd ride around all day on a caribou. And if society didn't frown upon it, I'd make myself a girlfriend from icicles and tundra. In fact, screw society, I'm doing the last one anyway. Instead of the normal male/female intimacy thing, I'll show my affection by covering her in syrup and taking bites out of her head. That way, I can combine my love of snowcones, cannibalism, and frigid women. Hot dog, that admission disturbs me.

There's a little bit of excitement here, since the approaching cold weather means I'll soon get to use my heater for the first time this year. Since I live in Texas, I typically go around 10 months without using the heat. Whenever I turn it on for first time after such a long break, it infuses my entire place with an aroma of winter majesty. Last year, winter majesty smelled a lot like dead racoons. It was so beautiful, I would've cried, had the nausea not paralyzed me. What will it be this year? The smart money says rotten plums combined with burned pee. Just like Santa's workshop!

If I really bought into all of this winter stuff, I'd remove my fancy heating system entirely and get one of those wood-burning stoves, so I could face the frigid air like a true man. I'd sit around it at night, mournfully strumming a mandolin while singing songs of eskimo heartbreak. Well, I don't know about songs in the plural, since I'm guessing it'd take me roughly 10 minutes with one of those stoves to turn my home and everything inside of it into a raging inferno. I guess it all depends on how long a song of eskimo heartbreak lasts. If they tend to be those sprawling, Grateful Dead type affairs, I probably wouldn't even get to the chorus before Octopussy dragged my nearly-asphyxiated body to safety. The whole thing sounds vaguely disastrous, yet I feel compelled to do it anyway. Old Man Winter demands sacrifices, and I am not one to refuse.

Posted by Cody at October 11, 2004 6:25 PM