The Big Junk Yard in the Sky

A lot of times, I'll see a boar and think to myself, "That is the biggest damn boar in the nation!" It's not just an idle observation either, I get really into it: printing up certificates, having them notarized, holding presentation ceremonies. Well, I discovered this weekend that all of that was complete hooey, because I saw the nation's largest boar at the State Fair on Saturday and that dude was so big, he didn't need a certificate. In fact, that dude was so big, Big Elvis could saddle him up and ride him around the stage. God forbid the Big Elvis-laden boar should tip over and fall, though; the shockwaves alone would rip the flesh off your bones.

In addition to the world's largest boar, I paid a dollar to see a two-headed albino snake in the back of some guy's trailer. And no, that's not nearly as sexual as it sounds. He was a little too creepy to engage in conversation, but it seemed like a neat set-up with his one man travelling snake oddity show. Not only does he get all of the benefits of the carnie lifestyle, but he gets to share his living quarters with several venomous, nightmare inducing reptiles. I'll go ahead and make it public knowledge that if things start going badly at work, I'm getting a trailer, filling it with amphibians, and hitting the fair circuit. I'll send you chumps a post card, direct from Easy Street.

Finally, just like years past, the State Fair featured their Magnum PI themed ride. Part of me says that gets 5% weirder each year, while the rest just can't resist the animal magnetism of Tom Selleck. You see that big portrait of him on the front of the ride, and you gird yourself for a hairy chested ride through Hunk Town, Hawaii. When it goes to the big junk yard in the sky, let us hope there's a Three Men and a Little Lady ride waiting in the wings.