Jaleel White's Personal Assistant Tells All

Wow, the election is over, and some people are really, really pissed off. If it's any consolation, you people would be even more pissed off if my candidate had won, since his first act of business would've been to blow up the UN and then mandate homosexual marriage for everyone. Be thankful that certain idiots like myself only get one vote, and that these certain idiots usually negate their votes by trying to eat the ballot. Can I finally stop posting about the election now? For the last few weeks, I've felt like someone who, long ago, was commissioned to serve as Jaleel White's personal assistant, and was then forced to stick around way after the glory days of Family Matters had passed.

Man, it's been cold the past few days. It reminds me of my youth, growing up on the tunda, with nothing to protect me from the brutal winter air but a parka made from caribou fur. Ahh, we were simple Eskimos then, united only by our love of whale blubber and our hatred for timberwolves. Wouldn't it be cool if an Eskimo read this, realized what an idiot I am, and sent me a lengthy response about how, in actuality, Eskimos love timberwolves and frequently marry them in misguided displays of affection? Through the power of the Internet, that stuff happens. I can't imagine something like that occurring long ago, unless I got kicked off a sea voyage in Alaska for tiring of sea chanties. Then, I could get adopted by the Eskimos, who'd teach me their ways before also kicking me out because I got tired of Inuit chanties. It's the circle of life, baby.

Lest I forget to mention it, basketball season started last night and I've already contracted a lethal case of Dallas Mavericks fever. Along with the usual gang of misfits, the Mavs added the world's largest Russian (who looks like a giant Bronson Pinchot) and an enormous African guy named Didier Ilunga-Mbenga (who, sadly, does not look like a giant Mark Linn Baker). I'd hate to be the translator involved when those guys start bitching to each other about their pituitary glands. Yeeow, look out!