Madden, You Will Pay

Evening is upon us and I haven't even thought about Goulash all day. Don't get in a huff, fair reader; that's not normal. Normally, I spend all day at work in a stall in the bathroom, writing that day's entry out on toilet paper. Whenever someone else enters the bathroom, I cover my tracks by yelling out, "Maaaan, I gotta poop!" I then fake that act until the person leaves, at which point I begin writing again. It's a pretty sophisticated act of trickery, and it'd be perfect if it weren't for the fact that I'm now known as the programmer guy with the spastic colon. I can live with this.

Actually, that's not what I do at all. Usually, I come up with the 'lash on my lunch break each day. That didn't happen today, though, because I went right home at lunch and picked up my X Box controller. I didn't even make a sandwich; I just sat down and started playing, cursing, and shaking my fist. You see, I had a score to settle with the Miami Dolphins.

In case you need any more evidence that I'm not a well adjusted adult, I take my Madden 05 franchise way too seriously. Last night, in the course of my latest NFL season, the Dolphins kept beating, in increasingly ludicrous fashion, my beloved Dallas Cowboys. Now I'm not one of those sorry suckers who can't take a loss. If anything, I'm the complete opposite, since losing is like second nature with me, even with video games. But not losing like this, where the computer just flukes the crap out of me. In the first game, I was right about to score the game-winning touchdown when suddenly, my player fumbled on the 1 yard line. The Dolphins recovered, and their 3rd string quarterback threw a 98 yard touchdown on the next play. "Hmm, that wasn't fair," I thought. So, I played it again. This time, I was ahead when my quarterback accidentally threw the ball at his own head, thus killing himself. His headless corpse then scooped up the ball and scored a touchdown for the other team. I screamed at the heavens, "Madden, you will pay!" Repeat that scene until bedtime, and you'll get an accurate representation of the frustration I was dealing with.

Today at lunch, I took all of this fury out on the X Box. No matter how crazy it got, I was determined to stick with it and triumph. I fought off random interceptions, punt return touchdowns, and random cougar attacks until I reached the brink of victory. Ahh, it tasted sweet upon my lips. And then... and then... well, I don't want to talk about what happened next. Those of us who were there will understand completely when I start babbling something on my deathbed about that goddamn Junior Seau. Unable to take it anymore, I quit the game and just let the stupid computer simulate it the rest for me. Apparently, the Cowboys won that time. I didn't stay to watch; I was out in the yard, burning an effigy of John Madden.