Owwwwww

Hot diggity, Thanksgiving was great. I toured the state like some sort of deranged UPS man, bringing sweet potatoes and holiday cheer to all parts of the state. Like I said, I had an outstanding time. However, the Thanksgiving festivities can't go on forever, and on Saturday, I had to return to my ancestral home in Arlington to wind the weekend down. An intelligent man would've enjoyed a restful evening and prepared for the long drive back to Austin the next morning. I, however, have never been accused of being an intelligent man.

I had to rush back to Arlington on Saturday so I could play in our traditional football game. The game is much like the Super Bowl, except we play at the Junior High and all of the players are either out-of-shape alcoholics or frail bed-wetters. It features such plays as "I'll run for 10 yards, then collapse in a heap and hyperventilate for 30 seconds. When I raise up to my knees, throw me the ball and I'll roll in the end zone." That's how it is usually, at least. This year, we played with a bunch of 17 year olds who were tearing ass around the field like the demon child of Dick Butkus and Speedy Gonzalez. Their presence made the game a little less leisurely than it may've been otherwise.

Of course, I didn't let them know that. Instead, I made the mistake of trying to keep up with them. This mainly consisted of running after them for a few feet, only to trip and stumble for several yards before collapsing on some kid trying to play goalie during a 9 year olds' soccer practice. This went on for a few hours until, thankfully, my groin exploded. Athletics, you have bested me again, but savor the flavor because it's not happening again. Next time, I'll just pay one of those high school guys to carry me around the field.