Toot Toot Goes the Gravy Boat

As I said yesterday, I reached an important culinary milestone this weekend: I made gravy. For those of you unfamiliar with the complexity of gravy creation, let me state that it is difficult. You know how people are always saying "Well, it's not exactly rocket science..." with regards to easy actions? Well, the original saying was "Well, it's not exactly making gravy..." but people had to change to the easier discipline of rocket science because gravy is so hard to make, it's almost mythological. It'd be like saying "Well, it's not exactly like stalking and killing a unicorn with an arrow made from the teeth of the Cyclops..." Such a line would go over well back on Mount Olympus, but not at Arby's.

Not only that, but I am an incompetent cook. Whenever I make a sandwich, I have to dial 911 first because the odds are good that I'll need my stomach pumped later on. The CIA heard of my accidental poisoning prowess and tried to recruit me, thinking I was an assassin. I told them no, that I'd only use my lack of skill for the powers of good. Shortly thereafter, I started up a very lucrative business as an exterminator. I'd bake a plate of cookies, put it in the middle of the kitchen floor, and then come back 15 minutes later to find everything in the house dead. I had to stop after a while, because the cookies were so potent, they'd eat through the floor and contaminate any aquifers in the ground below. Much like King Midas, everything I touch in the kitchen turns into a biscuit of death.

Combining difficulty plus ineptitude, I have no idea how the gravy got made. Maybe it was like one of those life-or-death situations, where the adrenaline kicks in and suddenly you can throw a Sherman tank through a wall. Or maybe it was one of those 1,000,000 monkeys at a 1,000,000 typewriters things, where idiots have tried for ages to make gravy and I succeeded out of plain luck. More likely, the recipe I had was for jello and through my own astounding inability to follow directions, I came up with something that tastes good mashed potatoes. It's probably best I don't analyze this one too much.