Vote or Die

We've got a successful voter in Austin, TX, and his initials CWMP! Hollllla!! The election officials for Williamson County didn't make it easy for me, though. My plan, hatched several months ago, revolved around voting against the incumbent in each race; political scientists may call it the "Keep those a-holes on their toes" school of voting. However, that idea exploded spectacularly today when I received my ballot and saw that the incumbents weren't notated on there. Uhhh, earth to Williamson County, your ballot isn't very accomodating to those of us with crazy voting schemes! (I smell a lawsuit there somewhere.) I did not allow this setback to impede my rocking of the vote, though.

My plan scuttled, I did the only sensible action: I started whispering to the people in the other booths, asking them who was on the Court of Appeals.

"What? Stop bothering me! I'll tell the poll worker if you don't leave me alone," they'd implore.
"No, you don't understand," I'd plead, "I just want to know who to vote against. Help me, or I'll follow you home!"

Ultimately, I found little success with that strategy. Not only were my fellow voters amazingly ill-informed regarding the races, but my research efforts received little sympathy with the election workers. The supervisors made it clear that if I didn't shape up, I could kiss my "I Voted" sticker goodbye. I realized then that if they took that sticker away, I'd have a hard time rubbing my electoral participation in the faces of felons, illegal aliens, and children. "But I live to ridicule those groups," I thought. Suddenly, I was filled with resolve, and I quickly got down to the tricky business of crazy voting.

I'm almost completely certain now that I managed to succeed in my original strategy of voting against the incumbents. I did this by avoiding lots of races, and voting soley for third party candidates, figuring all of them were too crazy to currently hold office. In the event I was wrong, or my vote accidentally installed some sort of maniac into office, I will not hesitate to place the blame on those responsible; Williamson County ballot creators, how the hell do you people live with yourselves?