Going Out In Style

If you haven't noticed, things have been bleak here lately as I've dealt with a death in the family. As a result of all of this, I'm coming up with some ideas for my own funeral.

First, and this is very important, make sure I'm really dead; I could be faking my own demise to hide from creditors or something. If I'm lying there with my tongue sticking out and my eyes closed but I continue to breathe and get up to go to the bathroom, I'm probably faking it. Don't blow my cover.

If I'm actually dead, find the gator that killed me. Don't listen to him if he says I wet myself when he attacked; alligators are notorious liars. Retrieve any of my body parts still in his belly, and reconnect these parts to my body. If it's too mangled, you may supplement with play-doh and papier mache. If you have to do this, I ask you please don't give me great, big man bosoms.

Now that I'm all back in one piece, the funeral may be held. For this, rent out the city of Nuevo Laredo, Mexico for the day. This should cost around $80. The money for this can be found in Chuck E. Cheese tokens in a false compartment on my cat (hint: her second head is hollow). Arrange for the citizens to carry my coffin down the streets of their fair city. Even if it sounds funny, please restrain these people from using my body as a pinata. They will carry me to the two story bar, where at the exact moment of our arrival, Fat Elvis will arrive via helicopter to do a memorial performance.

When Fat Elvis finishes, stuff me in a cannon and shoot me at the nearest hot air balloon. I don't what it will accomplish, but it's a good way to go out. All of these steps must be performed in exactly this order, or else I'll haunt all of you, by sneaking around your house at night and letting out ghost farts. You've all been warned.

Posted by Cody at December 7, 2004 6:19 PM