I Want to Look Exactly Like Him

For reasons I can't pinpoint, I can never interact with the person who cuts my hair. I like getting my hair cut and it seems like the people who do that job are pretty reasonable, but I just can't keep a conversation going. I think this is because, when I was an infant, my parents insisted on having me circumcised at a Supercuts. For the love of pete, some things are worth spending a few dollars!

Anyway, I realized yesterday I was getting a little shaggy, and so I opted to face my fear. I sat down in the chair, and the jibber-jabbery little lady asked what I wanted. "Just a general trim," I said. A few chairs down, there was a guy who had just finished getting his hair cut. As he walked past us, the lady said to me, "You want to look like him?" Inspiration suddenly flashed, and I realized I had a really good response to that question. Upon delivering it, my fear of hair stylists would soon be a distant memory, thus raising chimney sweep to the occupation that scares me the most.

"Yeah," I said, "but I want to look exactly like him. Hair, clothes, face, the whole deal."

He was a schlubby sort of guy like me, so I thought everyone would get a hearty laugh from it. Oh no. The entire room room was silent for a few seconds while I smiled crazily, expecting the others to start laughing with me at any moment. But no, they all turned away, while the lady cutting my hair quietly whispered, "Oookay..." The guy to whom I referred shot me a look of absolute terror, like he'd mentally fast-forwarded through some nightmare of his where I dress up like him and attempt to move into his house. If I didn't look like a total goober with half of my hair cut, I would've screamed, "I am a funny guy!" and run out into the parking lot. Instead, I had to sit there in silence until she finished, while the rest of the place tried to size up whether I'd be a crier or a fighter when I went to pieces.

Anyway, in light of this entire experience, I'd like to amend my Christmas list. Instead of all the crap I asked for, just get me a Flobee and a pair of scissors. And, if possible, an outfit exactly like that guy was wearing.