Not Knowing When to Give Up

In the long list of bad ideas that comprise my life experiences, I think that this weekend's bachelor party will really stand out. We're going because Danza's tying the knot soon, and it just didn't seem right to let him do that before he saw the glories of North Louisiana. Shreveport, to be specific. "Hey," a discerning reader may pipe up, "don't they have casinos in Shreveport?" Uhh, perhaps. "And didn't you like, lose your ass gambling in Vegas a couple of weeks ago?" Well, that all depends on the dollar amount it takes to really lose one's ass. As I see it, I came back with 2/5 of a butt cheek, and I'm determined to give that away at the tables in Shreveport.

Sadly, this completely insane logic doesn't just apply to me, but pretty much everyone going on this little trip. And that's why I think we all stand a chance of winning our money back. If I may adopt the mindset of a casino here, usually when a group of people gets taken for the amount we lost, they give up on gambling for a few years. Occasionally, the subject of Vegas will come up in that group, and someone will say, "Yowch, don't remind me," and everyone will nod in agreement. The sheer horror of that experience extinguishes any desire to gamble again. Of course, that's how it happens; that's how the casinos want you to think.

What the casinos didn't reckon for is that my friends and I operate a little differently. By all means, take all of our money in mid January and send us back home with our tails between our legs. However, when late January comes around, you better lay down a pallet on the floor because we're coming back. Yes, we'll probably be eating dog food the entire trip, but at the end, I'm confident we'll go home millionaires. What the gambling industry fails to recognize is that our spirits aren't quite broken. As I see it, the casinos must've worn themselves out with the excessive thrashing of us a few weeks ago; on Saturday, we summon our vigor, wind up, and sock them right in the nose, a la the Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope or the end of Rocky IV. Let's hope Dolph Lundgren is on the premises so you guys can commiserate. Even if it doesn't quite work that way, I still have high hopes. After all, what are the odds of everyone losing twice in a row? That's not how gambling works!