Happy New Year everyone, except those of you who happened to cross the international date line at 11:59:59 PM on December 31st, thus skipping January 1 entirely. What do you do then? One moment, you're having a rip roaring New Year's Eve with your friends; the next, it's January 2nd and everyone is looking at you and thinking, "Man, I guess that lush didn't get enough on the 31st." There's no way you're winning on that one. But anyway, it appears to be a new Internet law that if you maintain a website (and notice I didn't say blog, which may be the most unappealing term ever), you must post something about New Year's Resolutions. Since one of my resolutions is to start obeying laws, I will follow suit.
First Resolution: get serious about buying food. A scene that plays out dozens of times each month is me standing in the middle of my kitchen, saying, "I really should buy some food." This is the year I make that a reality. Whether it's baby carrots or Hot Pockets, I vow to eat at least once in my apartment. Taco Cabana, please react to this news accordingly and lower your flags to half mast.
Second Resolution: clear out some of the contacts on my phone. Really, do I need to have myself on there? If I ever do happen to call myself, I'll have larger concerns than recognizing the number, such as, "Who the hell has cloned me?" and "Am I paying double for this call?"
Third Resolution: start using combative insults whenever someone asks if I'm getting married. This one will take some explanation. My cousin, who's a few years younger than I am, got engaged a few days ago (many congrats to her, by the way). My family is abuzz with excitement over this development. In case anyone gets a little too marriage-loony and starts giving me the business over my own future, I've decided to come up with a few vicious retorts that will inform the questioner just what I think of that query. For females, I'll say, "I'm getting married as soon as you shave your mustache." For males, I'm going with something about man boobs; I'm still working out the wording here. Hopefully, whatever I choose will reveal the real answer there, that I am forever wedded to my own idiocy.
Posted by Cody at January 3, 2005 5:37 PM