The Sales Pitch

Good evening, sir or madam. If I may bother you for a second, I have just one question: how large of a concern is elephant feces for you and your family? Judging from the smell of the place, I'd say it's pretty large. Really, as I was walking down the block, I got a whiff and thought, "Someone's got a compost heap!" And then I walked further and thought, "Someone's got a compost heap that makes up their entire house!" And then I reached your lawn, took a whiff, and reconsidered. "Someone's got a compost heap that makes up their entire house, and is refilled constantly by elephants with intestinal problems!" If this is the case, as I suspect it is, then today is your lucky day.

I don't need to tell you what a hassle elephant poop is. Our large friends produce tons of the stuff, and what can we do with it? We can't make sculptures from it. We can't throw it at our enemies. We can't sell it to crazy billionaires from Dubai. All we can do is let it sit there and stink up the joint. Well, what if I told you that I had created a way to eliminate elephant poop entirely? No, not by legalizing poaching, but through the world's first elephant toilet.

Yes, to answer your question, I realize how outrageous it is. Just imagine wakig up one morning, going into your bathroom, and finding your friendly neighborhood elephant already in there, going to town. To put it politely, you better put on your galoshes and ready the plunger. However, through recent advancements in animal toiletrology science, I have found the solution. Will the elephants use it? Well, let me share something with you. The very first elephant to test the elephant toilet loved it so much, he tried to give me his tusks out of gratitude. I refused, but he wouldn't hear of it. "What about predators?" I asked him. He said, "Hey, I'm fine with being mauled, since I found heaven in your elephant toilet." For just $9995, you can reside there with him. What do you say? Agree, or I unleash the elephants.