Unga bunga, I'm back and I'm black. Well I'm not all blank, just in a few gangrenous areas. And speaking of gangrene, how does that happen to normal people? It definitely makes sense if you're a jungle commando; you don't have time to change socks when you're leading mountain strikes on guerilla compounds. However, I've heard about just normal people getting gangrene before, and I demand an explanation here. If I haven't managed to get it, how could anyone? I am, after all, the man who refused to shower for 3.5 years until I heard a satisfactory explanation for Daylight Savings Time. And if I did sense a body part beginning to rot it out, I don't think I'd let that situation play out on its own. No, I'd make it down to Walgreen's real quick like and buy a metric assload of Neospirin/Nyquil/No Rots A Lot.
Speaking of gangrene, I'm also interested in how people get too fat to leave their houses. A few months ago, I read a story about a lady who was too large to move, and as a result, her skin became fused to her couch. You're too big to move and you're sitting in one spot just eating and drinking nonstop, so you're probably producing a pretty good amount of waste. Does that mean that she's fused to the couch by her ..... Oh goodness, I can't even begin to say it, but I feel I must. I will put it diplomatically: is the adhesive in this situation her bodily waste? Immediately after thinking about that, I want to put it out of my mind forever. I can't, though; I must continue.
Let's give this lady the benefit of the doubt and assume her skin just fused to the couch, and she still takes adequate measures with regards to using the restroom. In this situation, I would pity the person who lives next door. Here's how I see it playing out at the neighbor's house.
Woman: Hello my dear, how was your day at work?
Man: Ohh, same old same old. Boy, it's pretty ripe in here.
Woman: I know.
Man: I mean it really, really stinks in here. Did a yeti die and crawl under the house?
Woman: Actually, I think it's next door.
Man: Oh Christ.
Woman: Yeah, I'm not too keen on making that trip myself.
Man: So make one of the kids do it. Brian, get in here.
Kid: What?
Man: Go next door and empty out Mrs. Johnson's poo bucket.
Kid: Do what?
Man: Go next door and empty out her damn poo bucket. She's too fat to get off the couch and it doesn't take long for that thing to get filled up.
Kid: I don't want to empty out anyone's poo bucket.
Man: Well I don't either, but it's the kind of thing we're obligated to do as good, Christian neighbors. If you don't rinse it out after you dump it, I'm taking back your Playstation.
Posted by Cody at March 3, 2005 6:37 PMNot sure if you were serious about the question or not, but if you were, gangrene occurs largely due to lack of circulation. It is especially a problem for elderly diabetics and people who have smoked cigarettes for several decades.
Posted by: Christine at March 4, 2005 1:15 AM