My Keyboard Broked

Dear Friends,

I come to you this evening with disturbing news. At some point over the past 18 hours, the numeric keypad on my keyboard stopped working. In case you need proof, take a look: . That blank space there was me, attempting to type numbers. Could I use the row of numbers above the letters on my keyboard? I could, but I won't. Imagine I get fired from my job and have to take up work as a medical transcriptionist. Due to my faulty keyboard, I can no longer use my numeric keypad, and instead must use the aforementioned row of numbers, which isn't normally included in my repertoire of keystrokes. Immediately afterwards, old ladies start going to the doctor to have moles removed, only to leave the office WITHOUT THEIR EYEBALLS, solely because I threw a few errant ~'s into the document.

Crap, it gets worse. My semi-colon key isn't working either now. As evidence, I submit the preceding two sentences, which I otherwise would've joined with a semi-colon. I feel like a fool now, punctuating my sentences with only periods, commas, and question marks. Never exclamation points, because really, who am I trying to impress here? I'm not typing out the instructions to defuse a bomb or anything.

Ack, and now I can't do any periods? So with every sentence, I sound like someone who just learned English? And now the commas go too? That'll teach me to buy surplus keyboards from a Guatemalan leper colony? And good God there went the question mark and the enter key, so the rest of the entry will look like a newsletter written by the kids from Lord of the Flies So you can have an easier time following me I'll start ending my sentences with random words in all caps WAFFLES This is clearly not a long-term solution SASQUATCH I will find the person responsible for manufacturing this keyboard UNDIES I will go to his house late at night with but nothing a knapsack and a thirst for justice BUTTERMILK While he sleeps soundly I will pry the keys from the keyboard and insert them into his breakfast cereal JUBJUB Then the next morning when he crunches down on my Num Lock key and dislodges his precious gold tooth he will realize that there are some of us who still care about our typing TAMALES Or perhaps instead he'll think that Captain Crunch is trying to poison him WOMBAT I'm fine with either FUDGESICLE