Not So Fast, Padre

One member of the inner circle recently got married, and another will be following suit shortly (take a bow, Mr. Venza). With all of the recent happenings, I've devoted a little bit of thought to planning my own nuptials. Of course I won't be tying the knot any time soon, not with Sandra Day O'Connor still refusing to ditch her man and shack up with me. But in the event the unlikely did occur and I became the unofficial 10th Justice of the Supreme Court, here are a few possibilities I'm throwing around.

One idea I had was to script out an bizarre opening scene for the wedding, allowing me to make an incredible entrance. I'd slip the priest $50 because I'd need his help, but no one else in the joint would know. Here's how I see it happening. The bride walks down the aisle, with everyone is boo-hooing and cherishing the moment. Right as he's about to start, the priest says to the crowd, "Excuse me, I have an announcement to make." And then he'd scream unintelligibly and rip his shirt off, revealing a huge skull and cross bones tattoo. "This broad is coming with me," he'd yell. While all of this is happening, I'm on the roof. After I hear the priest start up with his bit, I'd open up the skylight and jump down to the floor with a crossbow in my hand. "Not so fast, Padre," I'd say, as I shot him in the chest with an arrow. He'd stumble back and fall onto the pipe organ, while I shook the glass from my hair. Then I'd walk up towards the bride, trying to act modest about my feat of incredible bravery, when the priest would raise up with his last ounce of energy to hurl a knife at me. The crowd would gasp, expecting my gory death to be played out in front of their eyes, but I'd whirl around and catch the knife. Preferrably I'd catch it with my teeth but the knife would be the important part.

Just when everyone is starting to pee their pants and cry uncontrollably, I show the knife to the crowd. It's made out of flowers or wedding rings or dress material or something like that, and I'd hand it to the little lady. The crowd would all say "AWWWW" at once, the priest would put his clothes back on, and we'd continue with the ceremony. I maintain that if you didn't tell anyone about doing this beforehand, it'd be one of the funniest things in the history of the world. Yes friends, I am that confident.

My other idea was dressing up in a bunny suit. Yes, that idea is a little more concise than the previous one, but just as good.