The March 22nd Society

On my way into class morning, my car began to sputter. Its coughed its way into the parking lot of a nearby bar, where I turned it off and got out to see if I could use the bar's phone. The door was locked, so I gave it a few cordial knocks, then turned my attention to just how many kidneys I'd have to sell to get a new vehicle. I looked back to the door when I heard the its lock begin to turn. The door opened and a man reeking of Old Spice grabbed me by the collar and pulled me inside.

"Cody Powell, we've been waiting for you," he said, pouring himself a big cup of Hawaiian Punch.

"What? What is this?" Looking around, I saw balloons and crepe paper all over the place. In the middle of the room was an ice cream cake, and I soon realized that my assailant wore a party hat on his head. "Hey, you look kind of familiar..."

"I should," he said. "I'm Matthew Modine. Maybe you've heard of a little something called Memphis Belle?"

"What the hell are you doing at this bar at 8 AM? And how did you know to expect me?"

The answer to this question came from another man sitting across the room.

"We know plenty, Cody. We have to; all of us in this room are inextricably linked."

"What? Bob Costas?"

"It is I, Bob Costas. And perhaps you know the fellow in my lap, Mr. Wolf Blitzer."

"Yeah, it's a pleasure, Wolf, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what's going on here."

And just then, a fog machine turned on. To the beats of German techno, a purple velvet chair lowered from the ceiling. Perched in it was none other than William Shatner. He threw an apple core at me, and then addressed the room.

"Are you really that surprised? What's the date, Mr. Powell?"

"March 22," I said.

"Yes, but it's more than that, isn't it? It's a special day for you, as it is for me and Matthew Modine and Bob Costas and Wolf Frickin' Blitzer," Shatner said.

"Well, it is my birthday," I said.

"Indeed it is. Actually, it is all of our birthdays. And so, every year on this day, we gather together for the annual meeting of the March 22nd Society."

"The March 22nd Society?"

"An informal association whose only members are those sharing the same birthday. We get together occasionally to fight crime and to sing Happy Birthday to each other. Today is your initiation," he said.

"What's involved in that?"

A devilish smile crossed his lips. "Modine, wake the gorilla! If you can fend him off with a ballpoint pen, you will then become a fully fledged member of the March 22nd Society. Watch out, for the beast is bloodthirsty and not above socking you in the genitals."

"Woah, hang on a second! This is getting a little intense." I began to pace around the room, working it all out in my brain.

"So I'm supposed to fight a wild gorilla with a ballpoint pen, and if I should win, I get to join a club with Wolf Blitzer. Okay, I'm with you on that point. What I want to know is, if I defeat the gorilla, do I get some of that ice cream cake?"

"You get will get .... two pieces of the cake." Matthew Modine began to protest. "And Modine's share of the Hawaiian Punch," Shatner said fiercely.

My mind was made up. "Hey Costas," I barked, "fetch me a pen."

Posted by Cody at March 22, 2005 6:38 PM