If I Were a Lemur

Back in my teenage years, I was no stranger to physical activity. Not that I competed in many triathlons, but if I had to walk from my car to my front door, I could do so without the use of a defibrillator. I guess I kept up with that okay in college, managing to balance physical fitness and binge drinking as well as one could expect. But once I graduated, that train rolled off the tracks. I didn't actively avoid exercise, but I didn't seek it out either. So, while I haven't visited a gym in sometime, if a gym were to mysteriously appear between my car and my front door, I would definitely wander through it occasionally. Unfortunately, I've found that doesn't occur very often. As a result, I now have the physique of King Hippo from Mike Tyson's Punch Out. I've learned to love it.

But then on Saturday morning, I woke up with a curious idea in my head. What if I went out and did something active? Not just something a little bit active, like shaking my pants for quarters, but an actual activity, like playing tennis. That could be fun, right? It turned out that it could indeed be fun, for everyone watching me attempt to play that cursed game. For me, it was slightly unpleasant. Not only did my legs explode immediately when I walked out on court, but my opponent (Mr. Patrick Lioi) was a little more familiar with the game than I was. Just to emphasize, Patrick brought a racquet and a can of balls to the court; I brought an umbrella and a bib. Yes, it took me a little while to realize how tennis worked.

After an hour or so of that, I was sufficiently invigorated and ready to go back to my life of sloth. I limped off the court with gusto, anxious to recount my new active lifestyle for my cat. And then, we were presented with an unpleasant surprise: the door leading from the courts to the outside world was locked. The courts were fenced in with a 10' fence; the only way out was through the door. After banging on the fence the old fashioned way, I thought to myself, "You know, it's only a fence. Why not just climb the damn thing?"

In case you're curious, the first thing you lose when switch to a sedentary lifestyle is your fence climbing ability. If I were a lemur in the jungle (or wherever lemurs are found), I would be eaten in roughly 15 seconds because I wouldn't even be able to hop on top of a bush. Adding insult to injury, when I finally reached the top of the fence, I discovered it was layered in barbed wire; it was like I was busting out of Sing Sing. I picked another, safer spot to climb, and after a lot of grunting, cursing, and panting, I made it to the outside world. It's like the world was trying to send me a message: laziness always wins. Or if not that, always bring a grapling hook to a tennis court.