Paging Toby Keith

First of all, if anyone mentions the Dallas Mavericks' playoff collapse to me, I'll find an Easy Bake oven somewhere and throw myself into its flames. No matter who is playing or coaching, the Mavericks are doomed to failure simply because I support them. The same precept is at work with the Texas Rangers, the career of Andy Richter, and Mr. Pibb.

If you want to be successful and earn my support, the only safe way to do it is to die before I can get to you. Elvis had the right idea. He did his thing, had a lot of fans, and then, after consulting with my parents, died before I could be born. Good call on his part. If he waited until I was born and I could start rocking out to his music, it wouldn't be Fat Elvis playing the Barbary Coast for free, but the actual Elvis.

That is why no one should listen to my opinion on anything. If I recommend something, it may indeed be good, but the only way to get it is off of some Laotian dude on Ebay. Now that I've recognized it, it's time for me to take a more active stance here; I should start to support the things I'd like to see disappear. Forget about the things I like, from now on, I'm all about things that suck. It'll be my public service to the world. I'll probably start by going to see Ice Cube's sequel to XXX and giving it an enthusiastic review here. Then, if I'm really ready to step it up, I would become a roadie for Toby Keith. If that doesn't kill me, I'd follow that up in the only way possible, by marrying the entire cast of American Idol.