I Know Exactly What I'd Do With Him

Look at this 11 month old baby!

Good gravy, if I had a baby that big, I know exactly what I'd do with him. I'd move to the top of a mountain and refuse to pay any taxes or my mortgage. Then, when the authorities got involved and decided to storm the mountain to get me down, I'd roll that big baby down the mountain like a bowling ball. You think anyone will continue charging up a mountain with a humongous, balled-up baby hurtling towards you? Forget it. The only bad part of this whole scenario is having to retrieve the poor guy after he'd been rolled down the mountain; perhaps some sort of winch system would come in handy there.

I would never actually roll a baby down a mountain, no matter how fat he was. For proof, just look at my cat. Octopussy weighs roughly the same amount as a Tugboat, and we've yet to have a mountain-rolling incident. A lot of that is because I'm ethical, and the rest is because she'd claw my eyes out if I tried. That's why if you're ever reincarnated as a really heavy baby, your first priority should be to grow your nails out. As an infant, your self defense skills will be weak. At least with long nails, you look vaguely menacing. Failing that, go for a little mohawk or a leather jacket.