Things That Go Well Together

Sometimes, I just need to bring Goulash into it. Whenever anyone does me wrong, I don't write a letter to the editor or phone the police; I take it to the web. I don't do it because it makes me feel better, I do it because it gets results. You see, through this site, I command an army of like 5 confused old ladies from the Phillipines. Nothing gets them riled like an justice against me; when I call them to action, they DELIVER. That's what I did yesterday, when I called my immune system out to account for what it's been doing to me lately. Now I won't comment on whether a few death threats from Manilla had anything to do with it, but I do feel roughly 12% better today.

I am a lazy man. Anyone who's tried to eat the tortilla chips from 2002 in my pantry can attest to that. As a lazy man, it thrilled me this weekend when I discovered just how close my new place is to a hub of activity. In roughly three weeks, I'll be living directly across the street from both my bank AND one of my favorite bars. After all, few things go together as well as alcohol and banking. No matter how you put them together, good things seem to happen.

Here a couple scenarios that are bound to occur. After an overly-aggressive tug of war with a chew mouse, Octopussy claws me, leaving me despondent. I go to the bank, empty my account, and then walk next door and chain myself to a tap until the money runs out (15 minutes, which says a lot about both my rate of consumption and my financial situation). ORRR, I drink first, then go over to the bank and get shot by the security guards for stuffing my pants with deposit slips. It's a win-win.

The only thing that makes this whole situation better is that it's a busy street I must cross in order to get to the bank/bar combo. For the love of God, someone contact City Hall and tell them to install a crossing guard there. He'd only have to get up twice a week, but good lord, would he earn his paycheck then. I may just need to look into installing a zipline from one place to the other.