Okay, I'm way too tired to post anything today. I'd explain it all, but it'd be even more tiring. So, in lieu of a post, I'll post a short list and then turn this one over to the comments.
Attackers I'd Least Like to Face
A 50 foot tall version of my mom, who wants to lick a gigantic napkin and wipe my face with it
A crazed gorilla who bursts into my apartment and starts throwing tuna helper all over the place
A demented rastafarian who insists I wear one of those yarn hats, no matter how hot it gets
A lifeguard who throws sand on me and then makes me rub sunscreen over it
A drunk and belligerent Billy Joel, who loudly insists I'm Christie Brinkley and that we should reconcile right this minute
A superior marksman with a cannon that alternates shots of coleslaw and potato salad