Like most other guys would in my situation, I spent my last Saturday night of bachelor living in glorious fashion: I drank heavily and watched Three Amigos. Once that was over, I made 15 unsuccessful calls to the Austin Music Network to get them to show some Tears for Fears videos. If it sounds like a large time, you're right; my sister and her friends came down for Saturday, so I had to show them how to do it up here in Austin. The technique I've perfected over two long years of study can be summarized with, "Sit there. Drink this. Repeat until 4:30 AM." We followed the formula to wonderful results.
It might be noted that this morning has been less than wonderful. Not just because of the byproduct of last night, but because I am starting to clean things up around here and get stuff packed. I think the entire apartment, with the exception of the carpet, is in pretty good shape now. When it's time for my move-out inspection, the inspectors will take one look at the joint and declare, "Well no wonder the toilet bowl gleams; he apparently did most of his business on the living room floor." That is why my ideal living situation would be the vacuum of space. If I spilled a drink then, it'd end up destroying the hull of some Martian spacecraft, not messing up my floor.
I have a pattern of messing up floors that extends far past my time in Austin, I should note. When I was living in San Antonio, I once dropped an entire pizza, topping side down, on the carpet in my bedroom. Talk about a reversal of fortunes. I went to all the trouble of acquiring a pizza, and before I could get any of it in my mouth, I manage to ruin it and sully my living space in the span of half a second. It was kind of like some guy coming up to me with a $20 bill, and in the process of handing it to me, the bill burst into flames and jumped down my pants. (I'm just trying to give you a sense of perspective here. When I say that gravity is a harsh mistress to CWMP, I mean it. I have examples; there is a history here.) And it is for all of these reasons that I shall not be allowed to enter the new house. If anyone cares to visit, I'll be in the tent in the backyard. It'll just be just me, the local racoons, and a whole lot of squishy ground.
Posted by Cody at June 12, 2005 5:53 PM