As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I got a grill/smoker contraption on Sunday. I feel fully qualified to use the word contraption since I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with it. If anyone wants to verify that, just ask my neighbors about the giant ball of fire that roared forth from my back yard last night. It was so impressive, I would've got on my roof and started cheering had it not been for the act that my arm was inside the grill when I accidentally gave birth to my first ball of fire. Talk about a pants-soiling experience.
Last night, I was determined to put the new cooking apparatus through its paces. I called my good pal and noted bbq masterblaster, Darbney Coleman, and together, we purchased meat, lighter fluid, and all of that good stuff. We rubbed the meat up, stacked up the coals, and got ready to light that bastard. However, all of our attempts to keep the fire going were met with complete failure. After a minute or two, the fire would inevitably peter out on us. Neither Darby nor I are known as men of patience, so we got out the lighter fluid and sprayed with abandon. I imagine we sprayed so much, the charcoal briquets began taking up a tsunami relief fund. Oh yeah, we were going to fix its wagon.
The problem with our previous fires was that we couldn't get the coals on the far side of the grill to burn. "I can fix that," I said haughtily, as I grabbed by lightin' thingee (no idea what's that called). I reached down into the grill and across it, over to the problem coals. I pulled the trigger on the lighter, I heard a woosh, and suddenly I found myself eating corndogs with Jesus in my happy place. For a split second there, I knew what it was like to arm wrestle with the human torch. After the seven foot tall flame subsided and I got back on my feet, I said, with as much dignity as possible, "Do I still have my eyebrows?"
What's the moral of this story? Well, a little bit of lighter fluid goes a long way. Also, fire whooshes out much faster than I can move my arm. Also, the no-hair-on-the-arm look will never go out of style. Not as long as HEB keeps the lighter fluid on sale, at least.
Posted by Cody at July 12, 2005 6:36 PMHaving had my first BBQ expirience not too long ago, I can say with authority that the trick is to stack your briquettes in the shape of the southern-most pyramid at Giza. Don't style them after the northern-most pyramid or your food will taste like mummified cat.
Posted by: Danza at July 12, 2005 9:14 PM