I Bleed for Nutter Butters

At work today, we had a blood drive. I signed up immediately after I heard about it, just because nothing gets me to spill my bodily fluids like a free Nutter Butter. As I went out to the parking lot today to donate, I stopped to tell a few people where I was going and that I wouldn't be back for a little while. Donating blood isn't a short process; not only do you have to lay there and bleed for several minutes, but you also must answer a questionnaire about your health hhabits and you have to allocate a little bit for recovery (aka the Nutter Butter Buffet). I told all of them that I'd be back in an hour, probably.

Eventually, I returned to the office. I wasn't gone for an hour. No no, I was gone for maybe 3 minutes. That's because I failed the questionnaire. This questionnaire features questions like "Have you ever paid a resident of the Congo in drugs to engage in unprotected sex with you?", and I couldn't pass it. It had nothing to do with my almost-unconscionable habit fo paying residents of the Congo in drugs to engage in unprotected sex with me; I was totally prepared to lie about that little activity. Instead, they told me that I'm now a malaria risk after last week's trip to Belize. Ouch, blood bank, big ouch.

Almost immediately after I left, I had to go back to my office. Since I made such a big deal out of giving blood, everyone noticed my return. I can't assert this, but I believe they were all a little creeped out that I was eliminated from giving blood so quickly. As I walked down the hall, I could feel them thinking, "I must remember never to interact with that scary, creepy, unsanitary man ever again." It's hard to take it as a vote of confidence when the public blood bank refuses to deal with you.

In hindsight, I should've asked the blood bank people for a sticker that said "Too Worldly to Donate Blood". And then, when everyone started to shake their head sadly when I was sent back to work, I would point to it. I would point to it and yell, "Remember this, or I'll cut myself in drench you in mosquito blood." Worldly indeed.