The Stealth Jet Express

One of my comrades at work got a fancy, fast, new car earlier this week, and he's really putting me to shame. A hot dog cart puts my car to shame, so you can see how bad it'd be with a fancy, fast, new car. At least if you wanted something warmed up, you could stick it in your hot dog cart. My car has some sort of bizarro air conditioning where it blows hot air when I'm going for cold, and cold air when I'm going for warm. The only way to bend the temperature to my will is to push it to maximum force, at which point the car begins to shake violently and shoot lug nuts towards my eyes. With features like that, there's absoltuely no need to pimp this ride, as the kids are saying.

Back to my point, about how my coworkers should all drive crappier pieces of crap than my piece of crap. The past few days, I've shown up to work and felt like I just pulled up in an ox-drawn cart made of rags and livestock feces. It's not just the presence of the fancy car, it's the way my coworkers keep pointing it to me. They keep suggesting that the sight of the fancy, fast, new car in the parking lot next to mine must really get my goat. Well, a little bit, but not nearly as much as the insinuation that my goat's been gotten. And that, friends, is why I have been scheming.

Over the course of this afternoon, whenever I had a free minute, I thought about what vehicle I could bring to work tomorrow to put everyone in their places. I'm not talking a Lexus or a Subaru with power windows; I mean something really impressive that could never be topped. I see two options here. The first is a stealth fighter jet. It'd be worth it solely so that I could fly across the parking lot, then ask someone, "Hey, you pick that up on your radar detector? Yeah, I didn't think so." The other option is a unicorn. I could push it to the limit with a unicorn-driven stealth fighter, but I see no need to get fanciful here.

If either one of those manages its way into my drive-way tonight (hint hint), expect a full report on it tomorrow.