Oil is currently at all-time high, and the price of gold keeps rising. As an inidivdual who relies on a donkey for transporation AND keeps his money in rolls of nickels, none of this concerns me. I let those chumps who haven't gone off the grid worry about those trifles, and worry they do; it's hard to leave my adobe without hearing some lady in jean shorts talking about the price of gas. For a long time, I gloated over the fact that none of this affected me. Oh, I was insufferable about it, going so far as to wear a sandwich board around my neck that read, "Unlike you chumps, the gub'ment don't keep my money. Ask me how." I thought I had it all figured out, until it all came crumbling down this weekend. Unlike oil and gold, the price of something important has risen: underwear.
Every year, right before school starts, there's a tax-free weekend here in Texas where you can go and buy clothes without having to pay sales tax. Running a little low in the undies dep't, I checked it out this past weekend. Even though the bags of undies weren't marked, I threw caution to the wind and bought a 4-pack. Heck, with the money I was saving from sales tax, I could've purchased a 4-billion pack, or so I figured.
When I went to check out, the cashier told the cost of my items. "That's not right," I said, "I'm only buying 4 pairs of underwear." She scanned it again, and woe unto me, the price was right: $14.00.
Since most of the people reading this have already seen my underwear, I don't really need to state this but I will anyway: I don't wear lavish undergarments. If they sold Ziploc bags with legholes in them, I'd wear them with pride. They don't, so I just buy regular man panties. They do the trick, but $3.50 a pair? It seems like if I'm paying that much, they should be worn on the outside of my pants like a codpiece. The only downside of this plan is that I'd still have to wear underwear inside of my pants, thus bringing the total number of pairs on my body to two. I can't wear two pairs of underwear at the same time with a good conscience; it's just too decadent.
I went ahead and forked over my dough like a chump, but I am determined to have the last laugh. Should my new, expensive underwear malfunction over the next few years, I am sending them back to Hanes and the postage will most definitely be due on receipt. Accompanying them will be a note: "I paid good money for these and you made me look like a fool. For this, I will no longer be buying your undies. In fact, I won't be buying any other brand either; I'll be making my own. To cushion my feelings and help a brother out, please repair the pairs I've sent so I may study the design for my line of Powell Homebrew Undies." Underwear kingpin or not, no one makes a fool of Cody Powell.
Posted by Cody at August 10, 2005 6:36 PM