Sheila

It's August, I'm in Texas, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to burst into flames the next time I leave my house. Don't misunderstand; I like both summer and warm weather. I also like Haiwaiian Punch. However, if every time I went from indoors to outdoors, someone dumped a bucket of Haiwaiian Punch on me, I'd begin to get a little frustrated. And if they did this for like 4 months straight, I'd probably start travelling with a dart gun. Unfortunately, I have not yet found way to hurl my poison darts at the sun. This is not to say I'm done experimenting with that idea, though.

Okay, so it's hot here and summer lasts for a long time. Everyone in Texas knows this, and it's why Santa Claus gave us air conditioning. Still, I just think that after several thousand years of hot-ass summers, we could use a rest. Even the Beatles broke up after a few years, and look how big they were. You know, I propose the climate of Texas does the same. Hopefully summer could pull a Lennon, thus marrying some crazy Japanese woman, starting up a wildly inconsistent solo career (although the good stuff was so very good), and get gunned down by a madman somewhere in NYC. Please let this be the case. I'm willing to let Spring play McCartney if someone can just guarantee the Lennonization of summer.

Since I'm rambling incoherently about the seasons, I have one more point: Winter gets assigned a character in Old Man Winter, but none of the other seasons are so honored. To me, this is incredibly unfair. Starting now, Spring should be referred to as Crazy Uncle Spring. Summer could be referred to as Rudy the Summer Parakeet. If you wanted to remark on a particularly brutal summer day, you could say, "Boy, that parakeet sure is a-flappin', isn't it?" What character would Fall get? Hmm, let's go with Sheila, the Autumnal Lesbian.