Sockies?!

Evolution is a sham. Sure, Darwin and his successors were all smart dudes and ladies, but I am here to tell them that their intellectual legacy is chockfull of manure. Why can I state this with such confidence? It is because on nearly every civilized person in the world, there is a glaring instance where evolution should've stepped in already. Want to know it is? Bend over. Take off your shoes. Stare down at those white/black/tan/mauve bastards covering your feet and toes. Until someone can convince me otherwise, I assert that the prevalence of socks on feet totally and completely annihilates the concept of natural selection.

Think of all of the trauma caused to us by socks. They stink; they're hard to match; old people probably pass out trying to put them on. In a just and efficient world where humans were truly advanced due to natural selection, we'd all already have sock-feet. We'd call them 'Sockies'. They'd be big and furry, kind of like hobbit feet, and the fur would change colors according to the color of our pants. What if we were pantsless? That's easy; our sockies would change colors according to our mood.

I am 100% certain that at some point throughout the course of human history, someone has been born with Sockies. Some freak mutation caused it, I'd guess, and the living was sweet. Forget about a sock budget and the nights of frustration trying to match errant pairs up; Sockies had that dude covered. He moved from casual to formal to rural settings with the greatest of ease. It was such a good deal, people began to mate with Sockfeet Man so that their children would be blessed with the gift of Sockies. But guess what? Either because natural selection is flim-flam OR because Darwin conveniently forgot to mention the Sockies exception in the whole theory, Sockfeet Man's legacy died out. Sockies went the way of parachute pants and Delta Burke's acting career.

We must take a stand. If we ever want to remove the tube socked nightmare that is our undies drawer, we must write to our scientists and national leaders. We must tell them, "We're not mad about the whole evolution thing. It was impolite of you to mislead us, but you have a chance to correct this: starting right now, direct all of your efforts towards a medication/surgery/Christmas Carol that will bring the Sockies dream to the uneducated masses. We don't request this; we demand it."

To make a long story short, I spent the night matching socks and drinking detergent. Things got a little weird, but I believe I'm thinking with a brand-new clarity.

Posted by Cody at August 16, 2005 6:26 PM