Apprentice: Goulash

Judging from the TV Guide, we are literally just a few weeks away from a new show on NBC called Apprentice: Goulash. In the event they come calling, here's a brief sketch for the show.

Idea: A gang of diverse, attractive people compete in a reality show hosted by America's once and future king of hard-to-follow web content, Cody Powell. The grand prize? A highly coveted job at Goulash World Headquarters, preparing pot pies for visiting dignitaries, testing Cody's dental hygiene products for poison, and serving as the night guard for the moonshine still. The job won't just be handed to them, though; they'll have to earn it. Through a variety of tests ranging from "Bring Me a Lock of Cheech Marin's Hair" to "See How Long You Can Be Tickled Before You Pee", the contestants are narrowed down one by one. We won't say what happens to our group of finalists to determine the winner, but a bison, a cattle prod, and a jar of rancid pickles figure prominently.

Preferred Contestants:
1) Momo - a streetwise, older Italian man, Momo don't take no guff off nobody. He works hard, he plays hard, and he hates minorities. Also, he's a severe bedwetter.
2) Sharlene - a delicate Southern belle, Sharlene is out to prove that she's more than just a pretty face. She demands to be recognized for the merits of her work, not the way she fills out a tank top. Also, she's a glue huffer.
3) D Qwan - straight out of the inner city, D Qwan is bringing the flavor to our competition. He's been in jail for the last 3 years for lighting his girlfriend's son on fire, but he's found the Lord and he wants to get his life back on track. First stop? Winning Apprentice: Goulash. Second stop? Banging Sharlene.
4) Mirela - after a rough upbringing in Eastern Europe, Rita will do whatever it takes to taste the spoils of fame and fortune. We're guessing by anything, it includes sex, liquor, and wire fraud. Also, she's a rhino poacher.

Audience: Lesbians, aged 65 - 75.