There's a problem with fantasy sports: they're all heavily reliant on sporting activities. Some of us wish we could profit from not just the performance of athletes, but anyone in any situation. For me, this includes the employees at the grocery store down the street. In case anyone wants to start a league with me, here are my introductory notes for our player draft.
Albino cashier - definite first round pick. You don't want him if he's operating the cash register (not his fault, blame the lack of pigment), but if he's running a samples stand, your opponent better just forget about it. He's very personable, he gets a lot of walk-bys due to his appearance, and he almost always is distribuing some sort of dairy product (always a great performer in the fall).
Surly shopping cart handler - only take him if you need a backup for this position. He very rarely brings his A game anymore, thanks to a drinking problem/custody battle combo. Be wary of starting him in a rain storm; he has a bad habit of whanging the carts into Escalades when it's slick.
Bald pharmacist - a must have. Great intangibles, plus customers like the fact that he smokes a corncob pipe.
Perfume counter lady - get her while she's cheap. She had a subpar summer thanks to a bad, self-applied perm, but sources say she's got it straightened out and she's been studying up on her Estee Lauders. Need I mentioned they just received a new shipment of Liz Taylor knock-offs?
Pharmacist's aide with the hook nose - third rounder, at best. He has a bad habit of slipping the Viagra into his smock when no one is watching. I don't know if he sells them or takes them on his lunch break, but you certainly don't get points for it.
Bag girl with the WWJD bracelet - yikes. We're all fans, but don't draft her until she resolves her contract dispute.
Posted by Cody at October 12, 2005 7:22 PM