I'm Working on My Form Tonight

Thanks to the considerable largesse of the Round Rock ISD, I got added to someone's family plan at the gym last night. That's right, I'm a gym member. When you're riding in on the coattails of the public school system, just how swanky can the gym be? Well, allow me to flaunt it. You know how normally in gym locker rooms, you can't help but see someone's naked butt? I didn't have that problem last night, because all of the naked butts were covered by complimentary gold plated underwear. There are no water fountains for refreshment, but a water hose that sprays gallons and gallons of Dom Perignon. This place is so swanky, their Dom hose doesn't even have a knob with which to turn it off! Ooh la la, I must say.

No matter how swanky the gym is, it doesn't make the process of getting ripped any easier. And by ripped, I mean RIZZIPPED. This time next month, I'll be walking down the streets in tatters because I busted out of my shirt, Incredible Hulk style. (Yes, I will paint myself green to play it up; that will be a hilarious bit for the sole benefit of my gym friends.)

To drop the idiocy here for a minute, I'm pretty sure I saw 15 separate Incredible Hulks last night when I walked through the weight room. Yes, I walked through without making eye contact. I just couldn't chance the possibility of making eye contact with one of those dudes and getting asked to spot him. I'd probably need an elaborate pulley system and a team of bison to spot some of those guys. And once I did spot them, they'd say, "Your turn, brah. Let it rip." I'd have to say, "How much you got on there? 350? Okay, take 290 off. I'm working on form tonight. You hear that everyone? I'm working on my form tonight!" And then as soon as I lifted the bar, I'd get a stinger in my side and start hollering.

The spot man would have to intervene, but not before I dropped the bar on my face. Meanwhile, all of his fellow Hulkamaniacs would only hear the ruckus. They'd begin to talk amongst themselves, saying, "You hear that guy shouting? That dude is serious about getting ripped." And you know what? They'd be right. Well, they'd be right-ish. I'm definitely serious about paying the membership fee.