Secretary of Tickle Fights

I went to the Optometrist at lunch today to get my eyes scoped. On the way back, my phone began to rang. I picked it up to check the caller id (that's right, I'm a screener), and the display read, no lie, PRESIDENT BUSH. I immediately swerved off the road. Was the President really calling me, or did the Optometrist just drug me up with hallucinogens? Was I so drugged up on these hallucinogens that I was actually still in the Optometrist's office, forced to unknowingly engage in some sort of kinky, eye doctor shenanigans? There was only one way to figure it out; I answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Cody Powell, please hold for the President of the United States," a voice said. I pumped my fist. If the Optometrist wanted to enslave me in his BDSM dungeon, he'd have to try some other visit.

A moment later, the President came on the phone. "Cody? It's GW. What do you say, pardner?"

"Oh, hello. Why are you calling me? Did the terrorists kill my pets or something?"

I heard him sigh. "Listen, Cody, I'll get right to the point. I want to appoint you to something. I don't care what, but the more important the post, the better. Here in the Oval Office, we get a Wanted poster with your picture on it."

"I don't understand."

"You watch the news, don't you? You know I'm a bit liberal with my federal appointments, as long as the appointee and I are in cahoots. Me and you are in cahoots, compadre," he said, puncuating the sentence with a deafening yeehaw.

"We're in cahoots? I don't know you and I didn't even vote for you," I told him.

"Yeah, but you didn't vote for Kerry either AND I have it on good authority that one of your coworkers went to school with the twins. Now is that cahoots or is that cahoots?"

I shook my head and groaned. "You got me. We're in cahoots, I guess. Where do you want me?"

"Yessiree!" he yelled. I heard him put the phone down and whisper, "We got him, Karl!" Then he was back on the line. "If my latest pick for the Supreme Court doesn't work, you're next."

"There's a problem with that," I told him, "I'm not even a lawyer."

"I got a record here from the CIA that says you bought the Law and Order video game from Best Buy in the winter of 2002. I can't ask for more credentials than that."

"And if that falls through?" I asked.

"If that falls through... hmm... Secretary of... Veterans Affairs? I don't know if that's real or not, so we may have to make that department. I wouldn't get too worked up about the actual post; no matter where we put you, you'll be doing pretty much the same thing."

"What's that?"

I heard the President stifle a giggle. "Tickle fights with Dick Cheney," he said, erupting into guffaws.

I buried my hand in my hands. A trip to the Optometrist's sexual fantasyland would've been better than this. "When do I start?"

"I've got Air Force One in your driveway right now," he said. "Park your sweat suits, cowboy hat, and a hell of a lot of Neosporin. Cheney's a clawer, particularly when you're tickling him."

Posted by Cody at October 20, 2005 6:17 PM