T-H-A-N-K-S-G-I-V-I-N-G

Thanksgiving is upon us. Well, almost. Did you know that Thanksgiving is actually an acronymn? Yeah, the word itself means nothing. The pilgrims and the indians got together that first day and said, "Let's think up 12 words that mean something to us, then use their initials to create a name for a holiday." Through years of back-breaking research, I've managed to discover what each letter stands for. Prepare yourself.

T is for Turkey. That's not particularly clever, is it? Well, maybe not, until you consider they may've been referring to the country, not the animal. My research has yet to give me the definitive answer there.

H is for Harlot. What many people don't realize is that after the traditional turkey feast, the pilgrims loved nothing more than to find a harlot and pelt her with rocks.

A is for Avocados. Whenever the pilgrims would initiate a play war against the indians, they would always use avocados instead of cannon balls in their cannons. In fact, they loved shooting their avocado cannon balls so much, the Northeastern United States is virtually bare of avocados today as a result.

N is for Nudity. What, you think the pilgrims didn't get down? In fact, they used to work up their appetite for the feast with an extended nude tour of the forest.

K is for Knife. What did the pilgrims use to cut their meat? A knife, right? Wrong, they used pine cones. It was actually an enterprising indian who showed them the first knife; he was promptly burned for being a heretic.

S is for Squirrel. No, they didn't eat any squirrel at the first Thanksgiving, but it was both groups intention to squirrel away the left-overs. However, this plan took a brutal, ironic twist when the squirreled-away left-overs were stolen in the middle of the night by, yes, a pack of squirrels.

G is for Gravy. The pilgrims and the indians loved to trade the usual staples back and forth, such as food for furs, arrows for liquor, etc. Even more than that, they loved to trade gravy for gravy. It was a very strange trade.

I is for i, the square root of negative 1. The two sides fought over everything: religion, lifestyle, trade, resources, etc. Interestingly, the only thing they could agree on was the fact that imaginary numbers are a little confusing.

V is for Ventriliquism. Indians and pilgrims alike loved ventriliquists. They loved them so much, the ventriliquists of the time were almost scared to venture towards Plymouth Rock, out of fear that either side would imprison them and force them to perform until death from exhaustion.

I is for Incontinence. The main impetus for joining together for a feast was to investigate and discuss a wave of incontinence that swept both camps. Why would they want to hold that conversation over food? Well, I'm not sure.

N is for Nelly. Scholars agree that out of all of the hip hop stars of the late 90s/early 00s, his brand of fancy free, party tunes would be the most likely to inspire freaky booty dancing in the people of the 17th century.

G is for Go-carts. Much like the intellects of the Renaissance, the pilgrims and the indians devoted a great deal of thought to inventions. Unlike these other great individuals, most of the pilgrims and indians designs were for go-carts. Sometimes they had flags or horns or side cars, but they were all go-carts and not a single one ever successfully ran. Why not? Because no one had yet discovered wheels. They did manage to create the world's first horn to play La Cucaracha, though.

Well, there you go. I'm tired after all of that.

Posted by Cody at November 21, 2005 7:16 PM