The Bearded, Handsome Lad

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I experimented with facial hair over Thanksgiving. By experiment, I mean that I ate it, lots of it, to see what kind of special powers I could gain. No, actually, I grew it. I tried to, at least, a great big beard. I tasted more success than I planned, but nonetheless, I couldn't get that thing shaved off fast enough. I hope a member of ZZ Top reads this site because I have a question that only a beard expert can answer: how are you supposed to live with one of those things without clawing your face off during an attack of the itchies? I looked like an Ewok having a seizure whenever the beard began to itch, which was pretty much constantly.

Since I'm devoted to the historical record, if nothing else, here's a brief timeline on the beard experiment of '05.

Day 1: Let's do it, let's grow a beard.

Day 2: Hello stubble, I will nuture you until you flow from my face like the hair of Rupunzel.

Day 3 - 5: Hurry up and do something.

Day 6 - 8: Wow, this is pretty itchy.

Day 9: ITCHY!

Day 10: GLAKSJFDlcksnlefnLIEJFDELIWCJLKZJFDLElijlifjsaelfijf, IT'S EATING MY FACE!

Yes, so it's gone now. I can honestly say I didn't gain a lot from the experience, except for the claw marks on my chin.

I don't mean to be dancing on its grave here, but also the beard wasn't very full. On a linear fullness scale, I'd give it a 5.5. That's alright if your job is filling up propane tanks, but my face is my breadwinner; I gots to look good. And how could you believe anything on this site if you didn't earnestly believe that a handsome, handsome man wrote it?

Ultimately, I had many reasons to rid myself of the beard and only one to keep it. And really, I wasn't so keen on impersonating Santa Claus to begin with.

Posted by Cody at November 30, 2005 6:42 PM