Ice Age 05!

Holy crap, it's cold! According to my thermometer, it's 27 F right now in Austin, which works out to approximately -138 1/3 Celsius. I would not be surprised to get mauled tonight by the Abominable Snowman. I would not be surprised if an out-of-control reindeer crashed through the front door of my house and caromed into my TV. I would not be surprised if, after this Ice Age, I-35 excludes cars permanently and becomes a giant luge track. I am fine with that, as long as the luge punks pay tolls for the use of our roads. You hear that, luge punks? No free rides!

I left work early today because I heard our windshields were getting iced over. This worried me more than others, because my windshield has two giant cracks in it. What if it completely ices over and then someone throws an acorn at it? That thing would shatter all over the front seat. Not only would it be cold then in the cab area, but my pants would be full of frozen glass shards. "That ain't happening, fools," I said to my coworkers. If anyone's destroying my windshield, it's me, trying to scape the ice off of it. I've only had to do that a couple of times in my life, but in all instances, I've had the same thoughts. First, I thought, "Man, this is a chilly activity." Second, I thought, "I am glad I keep a bountiful supply of empty CD covers in my front seat."

Okay, so I'm home now. We have a fireplace, which I haven't used, and I'm very tempted to light that puppy up tonight. However, the landlord told us to get it inspected before we tried to light a fire. I'm worried if I started one tonight, bats would fly out of the chimney. I would then face the age-old question: icy weather or bat attack? And what if the bats followed me out to icy weather and started chasing me around? I don't see any way I could emerge from that without a broken leg and a puncture wound in the neck. Yeah, it's cold, but I'm determined to make it through with all of my blood.