Miyagi Say

Over the past few weeks, I've been considering the purchase of a new vehicle. What kind of a vehicle? That'd be a chuck wagon. No, not really, just a normal car. Anyway, during this process, I've picked up a few pointers on the whole car buying process; please allow me to share them with you.

1. Don't bother trying to fancy up your crappy car when you want to assess its trade-in value. Rather than give anyone the impression that your crappy car is actually decent, people will instead say, "Hey, why is that crappy car so shiny? It must be on fire!" And then they'll dive in to some rose bushes.

2. Lenders are like ravenous velociraptors. In my brief experience with them, they'll find any spot of weakness on your credit report, and use that to justify a completely absurd interest rate. I was messing around with LendingTree.com last night (one word review: useless), and one of the interest rates they offered was roughly equivalent to the rate at which I'd loan money to a third world, coup-happy country with 800% inflation. The reason? I've never had a car loan before. One would think that my $10^24 worth of student loans would be enough for those jackals.

3. It's really hard to get back into your crapmobile after test driving some new, shiny contraption. I don't know how to get around this exactly, but here are two ideas. First, you could only test drive vehicles that are worse than your existing crapmobiles. Second, you could bring plenty of booze in your crapmobile and use that to cushion the disappointment on the ride home. Both plans have strengths.

4. Everything costs extra. Air conditioning, the steering wheel, seat belts, an interior that isn't filled with bats: all of that is extra.

These are all of the lessons I've acquired without buying a vehicle; just imagine how wise I'll be after I sign the papers. I'll be like a regular Mr. Miyagi, I expect. More details as they emerge.

Posted by Cody at December 13, 2005 7:41 PM