I'm not much of a world traveler. In fact, I've only left my house one time, and that was to attend a lock-in at the roller skating rink about seventeen years ago. A large part of this is because no one invites me anywhere. I smell, I steal ashtrays, and I get belligerent if anyone brings up Law and Order. Laura's family didn't get the news apparently, which is why I'm headed to...
Columbia, South Carolina!
If you can't find me between now and Christmas Eve, it's because I'm in Columbia, South Carolina! I've never been to the state before, and it's a well known fact that South Carolinans get after the newbies like hogs on a rumproast. Really, these people could kill me while I'm there. That's why I have to talk the talk, and walk the walk, South Carolina-style. If anyone asks me who my favorite athlete is while I'm there, I'll say the Fridge, who played at Clemson. If anyone asks me what I want to watch on TV, I'll say Entertainment Tonight featuring Leeza Gibbons, who grew up in a nearby suburb of Columbia. You see how I'm going to do this?
I will look like a South Carolinan, eat like a South Carolinan, talk like a South Carolinan, and dance like a South Carolinan. It will be, in effect, the perfect ruse. I'll probably be Lieutenant Governor by the time I leave. And then when I'm safely on the plane and I know they can no longer hurt me, I'll place a collect call from the $800/hr Sky Phone. No matter who answers, I'll say the same thing: "Hi, this is Cody Powell and I hate Leeze Gibbons. Please tell your neighbors."
Posted by Cody at December 21, 2005 10:47 PM