I Resolve

1. I will be nicer to poor people.
2. I will be nicer to rich people.
3. I will be meaner to the middle class; I have nothing to gain by winning those people over.
4. I will investigate alternative, earth-friendly energy sources, like biodiesel, cold fusion, and paying homeless people to drag me around in a Radio Flyer (note: they will indeed be paid, see resolution 1).
5. I will eat my vegetables.
6. I will cease burying my unwanted vegetables in my neighbor's backyard.
7. I will cease lying to my neighbor when he asks about all of the rotten vegetables in his backyard.
8. I will learn to tapdance.
9. I will not disclose my newfound aptitude in tapdancing, lest rumors start to spread.
10. I will learn to play the banjo.
11. I will first purchase a banjo.
12. I will take my banjo act on the road, giving a discount to seniors and students (graduate students pay extra).
13. I will play a variety of original and covers. I will prominently feature the works of Roy Orbison.
14. I will investigate whether or not I have to pay royalties to the estate of Roy Orbison.
15. If I do not have to pay royalties to the estate of Roy Orbison, I use his portion of the proceeds to plant trees around orphanages.
16. I will affix a plaque to each tree that reads, "Roy Orbison wanted this tree to go to the orphans."
17. If the orphans do not appreciate my gift and defile it in some manner, I will dress up like Roy Orbison, burst into their bunks late at night, and say, "Roy Orbison is back from the dead to tell you to leave my trees alone." I will say that in his familiar, nasal twang.
18. I will learn Mandarin.