Taunting 101

Let me set the scene. You're playing softball or baseball. Your team is terrible. It becomes clear to you, the bench-warmer, that the only way your team stands a chance is through extensive psychological warfare. You want to get into the other team's heads, but with a little more flair than the standard "Hey batter batter" crap. What do you say?

Last time I saw a swing like that, it was giving tetanus to elementary school kids.

Stop play everyone, someone has tried to contaminate the home plate area with a giant pile of feces with a bat stuck in it. Oh wait, that's the batter, my bad.

Last time I saw (a) batter like that, someone's mom was making cookies for the class Valentine's party. These cookies later gave everyone diarrhea.

I can't tell the difference so someone clue me in: is that guy trying to bat or ward off giant, invisible vampire bats?

Last time I saw a pitcher like that, it was full of bodily fluids and frat boys were having to drink it as part of a pledging rite. It some HBO documentary or something, it was a little uncomfortable.

Would someone please inform the batter that we're throwing balls at him, not valuable faberge eggs that he will get to add to his collection after the game?

You guys suck on the field, but I've got to admit, you can really assemble a pitching staff. It can't be easy to find an obese transvestite who can throw sidearm.

You call that a pitch? I call it the first step in an ancient Ethopian genital-mutilation ceremony!

I wouldn't say this guy's a light hitter, but the last time he and I got in a fight, he threw a glitter bag at me and then sent me a bunch of nasty letters on scented stationary.

All of this is a mere introduction to say that we had our second softball game tonight. This time, we put forth an even more valiant effort, scoring a whopping 9 runs. Unfortunately, the other team scored like 9 billion. Our style points were off the charts, however.

Posted by Cody at February 23, 2006 8:59 PM