These Puns Must Be Heard

I come up with a lot of bad puns, but sometimes it's hard to find a place to use them. This frustrates me. If I can't unleash a pun on the world, it turns its potent energies on me and begins to eat away at my brain like a zombie weasel. Luckily, I have a website for this kind of crap. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two puns I want to use but will never be able to do so.

Example 1: You're at a restaurant. You order a sandwich with homefries (anything that comes with potatoes). When the wait-er/ress/robot sets your plate down, you notice the potatoes are mangled. Quickly, you rise to your feet and bellow, "Talk about mu-taters!" That's right, a pun about mutated spuds. I actually think this one is pretty funny, but I'm never in a situation where I get mangled potatoes. If there's a place in Texas where they do this reliably, I'll go just to get this line out of my system.

Example 2 (and this one is far more surreal): You're in Osama Bin Laden's camp. You're putting on a talent show for him or something. Predictably, you stop the show with your one-man, modern jazz rendition of I Wanna Sex U Up by Color Me Badd. At the end, as everyone is clapping and you make your way back to your seat, you stop by Osama's seat and tell him, "Glad to see you liked it, Osama Bin Applaudin'." I know the odds are against me using this one. If I ever meet Osama Bin Laudin, it's probably because he's attempting to kill me and I can't imagine a talent show will involve in his scheme. Still, if there are any secret agents in the US Military trying to infiltrate his camp, I urge you to use this line. It's probably a great first step to becoming a part of his inner circle, which will help you stop him, which will make the world safer. Yes, this pun could literally change the world. You heard it here.

Closing note: I do get to use some puns. Last week, I was talking to someone about how I had to miss our softball game for a scotch tasting. "That's too bad," the other person said. "Yeah, but I'll be there in spirit." Scotch is a spirit, hey-ooooo! That made my week.