Porpoise Power

You want a good pun, right? 'The Porpoise Driven Life'. Get it? Do ya get it?! Tell me I'm not the only man in the universe who finds this hilarious, as I'd then suspect everyone around me of being a robot/alien/dour European. (For those who don't know, the Purpose Driven Life is some book that many serious adults read. I believe it calls for the wholesale eradication of turnips, belt buckles, and dandruff shampoo. I agree with those ideas, but I disagree with anything that has a purpose.) Anyway, since I just came up with this, I thought I'd explain a few of the principles behind a Porpoise Driven Life (copyright CWMP, 2006, rights through perpetuity).

1. Eat lots of fish.

2. Echolocation! Use it or lose it.

3. Avoid sharks, unless you've had time to rig up a trap. (Best trap: the ol' piano rigged up with some rope. Cut the rope and watch as, very slowly, the shark eats ebony and ivory and whatever else is included in pianos (piano wire!).)

4. Appreciate your spade-shaped teeth. A porpoise often gets confused with a dolphin, but the major difference between the two is that a dolphin has conical teeth, while a porpoise has spade-shaped teeth; anyone who's memorized Wikipedia will know this. Dolphins are featured on t-shirts, cartoons, and in zoos; trashy women probably get tattoos of dolphins in hard-to-fathom places. But no matter how much dolphins are loved, who's got the spade-shaped teeth? That's what I thought.

5. Porpoise power!

And I think that's all I can come up with for right now. (Idea for future entry: expand to manatees.)