Look Out, NY

Dear New Yorkers,
In the very near future, my sister will be joining you for the summer. Now, New York is a dangerous place. "How can it be dangerous? It's the Big Apple!" you may protest. Well, here's a bit of trivia: it was originally named the Big Poisonous Apple, but New Yorkers got so furious about that they vowed to kill each and every person in America until we all agreed to drop the poisonous part. Like I said, dangerous.

Now, New Yorkers, I ask you to be on your best behavior this summer while my sister is around. I created a brief, incomplete list of the typical New Yorker things you shouldn't do to her.
1. Mug her
2. Get her addicted to cocaine
3. Sell her a load of junk bonds
4. Scream at her, "Whassa matta you?!" from the window of your pizza restaurant
5. Steal all of her possessions right after she leaves the airport (I've seen The Freshman, and I know how you people do it)
6. Request her involvement in any mafioso assassinations
7. Convince her to start wearing suspenders and slicking her hair back
8. Encouage her to give up her burgeoning career so she can become an abstract expressionist or performance artist
9. Introduce her to Jimmy Fallon
10. Run her over with your taxi cab.

I will be coming to visit in June, and you may save all of that for me.