I had to go to a baby shower at work today. As I've never been to a baby shower before, I wasn't too sure what was going on. All I knew was that I was supposed to buy something, and then stand in a corner with the rest of the men and shut the hell up Check, and check. The hard part for me was picking the appropriate gift.
I ended up giving money to someone who knew better about this stuff, and buying 1/4 of a little geegaw, bat-around, plastic fun center or something similar. I don't know about this idea, though. In the course of an average life, you're not a baby for very long. Why give someone something that's useful for 3 months when you could give them something that's useful for 80 years or more? Also, I have more experience in buying gifts for adults. I briefly considered following this path, and simply choosing a gift I'd choose for any one of my friends.
The suspects.
Alcohol - I'm not going to waste a single malt on someone who won't be able to drink it for 21 years. No, I'd have to give something cheap and pleniful in order for it not to be wasted, something like a 24 pack of Coors. The mother-to-be could very well misinterpret this gesture.
Bowties - I think bowties are the quirkiest neckwear in the Western world, narrowly beating out the bolo tie. However, if some little baby has years to go before tying her shoe, how many years will it be before she can don the bowtie? It'd just be sitting there, in a glass case on her bookshelf, mocking her. And then, when she finally put it on, she'd say, "Hey, what's the big whoop? Who bought me this? Give me his address, I wish to kill him."
Collected works of Henry Miller - Again, easy to misinterpret, but think of the vocabulary that kid would have.
Nunchuks - Too heavy for a baby. Also, the field of hand-to-hand combat moves too quickly for me to assume these will be effective in 20 years time.
Bob Dylan, "Blonde on Blonde" - Babies hate singer songerwriters.
Last baby shower I was at I got really drunk of girly, girly drinks.
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In our family, gift buying is the annual process of revenge for the gifts of previous years. Gifts are given to anger, annoy, or lower the self esteem of close family members.
Keep in mind, this gift is for the parents who are expecting gratis stuff from you because they got pregnant, make them regret forcing you to participate just because they couldn't count to 28. With that in mind i would suggest such items as:
Baby Tee shirt that reads "Who's my daddy?"
Box of 500 antique pewter army men that can be both choked on by child and stepped on by parent.
Loud singing chicken alarm clock.
Planned parenthood gift certificate for "next time"
Exotic animal with a long life span that the child will say they are taking with them to college, then doesn't.
I feel that I must comment because I have had my share of baby showers, and I've also been on the receiving end of one. Just one. Thank God. So here's what I think are the ideal baby shower gifts. Leave the oohing and awing kinds of gifts to the grandmothers, aunts and sisters. That includes sorority sisters. Buy the mom-to-be a "pamper thyself" gift for when the bundle of joy is expelled. Pack that mother full of:
1. A nice comfortable sweatsuit/shorts for her to wear home from the hospital. In all the haste, we've packed a sequensed tank top, running shoes and jeans from 2 years ago that no longer fit. Consult a friend or sister for size.
1.5 Smirnoff Twisted V's, in any flavor, because anything more potent is sure to end in a call from Children's Services.
2. Good DVDs for late night nursing/feedings -DVDs of low brain wattage for merely passing the time. Dodgeball comes to mind.
3. Comfortable t-shirts for mom, not baby. Soft and good quality, able to sustain numerous washings from baby spit-up, sometimes in a single day.
4. A gift certificate to her favorite salon, and schedule an appointment for her for 6 weeks after the baby is born. She won't do this on her own, and by then, you won't recognize her.
5. And finally, get her a night at the local Holiday Inn. Nothing fancy. A bed with clean sheets. Tell dad to stay home and "mother" while mom gets a night to sleep. She'll love you for this.
Posted by: Jules at May 5, 2006 9:14 AMDude, per DFJ's post, I must suggest any of the following: http://www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml