A Theory For Your Consideration

The Mavericks are in the NBA Finals. So the liberal media is telling me, at least. I don't know what to make of this, exactly. On the one hand, I support my team and everything, but at the same time, it's sort of like the plot from a sci-fi movie. Imagine this: Johnny is a reckless, rebellious teenager. Instead of doing his homework, he's playing those damn video games and riding around on his dirt bike. Then, one day, he becomes a model student; he's tucking in his shirt, he's saying 'Yes, sir', and he's leading a Bible study. Of course, one month later, aliens invade earth and we discover that... Johnny is their leader! Aggggggghhhh! In much the same way, in only a year, the Mavs turned from a group of no-defense headcases to a team of gutsy, battle-hardened, nasty SOBs. I, for one, am not buying it.

(An aside: I've been reading a lot of articles about their victory, and in almost every one, I've read how a certain player 'willed his team to victory.' In the list of sportswriting cliches, this has to be near the very top. Doesn't it seem to you that every single player on the court is trying pretty hard to win? The way these idiots write it, every single player except one is running around thinking to himself, "Man, I wish we would just forfeit so I could go back to my hotel room. Miss Congeniality 2 is on, and I've got a hankering for taco salad." Luckily there's that one guy a game who's actually trying to win; they should pay him extra.)

Now the Mavs play the Heat. According to ESPN, Dwayne Wade shoots lightning bolts out of his fingers, bounces them off the backboard, and slam dunks them. Good, I says, he's going to need it. There's not enough Wade magic, Pat Riley hair gel, or old, hobbled centers they can throw out there to slow down the alien team of destiny known as the Dallas Mavericks.