I Have Returned

People of the Internet, I have returned. Contrary to popular opinion, New York did not chew me up and spit me out. It tried; at various points in the weekend, I thought I was mere seconds away from being mugged, bamboozled, assaulted in my sleep, and/or punched in the nose by a crazy Scottish lady. Did it stop me? Did I raise the white flag and crawl back to the Hobo Dungeon with my pacifier? Or did I box the city on its ears and say, "Listen, we've got a common enemy here: my American Express card. Let's see how many Rewards points we can wrack up before they send their death squad"? I will leave the answer for my bankruptcy proceedings.

I was only there for 48 hours, but I did an insane amount of crap. From CBGB's to Yankee Stadium, I rocked that city. I must credit the hostesses, Laura and my sister, for that, as they proved more than willing to haul my ass all over that city, showing me everything I had even the slightest interest in seeing. I'm not sure how they did it, but they even arranged a bona fide celebrity sighting. Ladies and gents, yours truly was a mere 50 feet away from MISS CARLY SIMON! My heart stopped then, and I don't think it's restarted since. You know what they say: you haven't truly lived until you've seen someone who may be Carly Simon enter a taxi cab from a great distance.

I tried to inject myself into some true New York situations while there. I haggled with a scalper in front of Yankee Stadium, bringing us a net savings of $20 on the tickets for Saturday's game. I got into an interesting conversation with some Hasidic Jews about their hats (the big furry one is called the Shtreimel). And finally, and most terrifyingly, I willfully spent two nights in the Hobo Dungeon. There, amongst the derelicts, I slept, brushed my teeth, and refused to shower; I was part and parcel of the Dungeon, more hobo than man. (Tomorrow, I'll have to do a whole post on the Dungeon. It was ... quite a scene.)

Forty eight hours later, I'm back. I'm sleeping in my bed, figuring out how to bathe myself again, and putting my wallet in my back pocket, just where it belongs. It was one heck of a trip. In the future, I plan to go back, and that time, I will try to find even more dungeonier lodgings.