Softball Treason

I've got a softball game tonight and I'm not very optimistic about our chances. According to traditional metrics, we're 0-2 and we've been outscored 39-11. However, according to patent-pending Powellometrics, we've actually earned pi/2 win units, with a calibrated run quotient of 12.87 lambda 90 degrees arcsin teddy bear (yes, this has been adjusted for the use of the designated hitter). I'll have to doublecheck, but I may've missed the natural log in there. Whether I missed it or not, numbers don't lie: we're clearly a very bad team.

Our problem this season is the problem our team encountered earlier this year: the other teams in our league are very, very good. It's very reminiscent of the Little League World Series, where a team of Hondurans come in and destroy everyone. Then, a month later, it's revealed that all of the Hondurans are actually 23 years old and juiced up with bovine growth hormones. I can substantiate these claims.

Last week, we were playing the other team in last place. We thought we had a chance. These thoughts were dashed in the second inning, where they rang up 18 runs on us before we could make the third out. That's right, 18 mothereffin' runs in half an inning and this was the last place team.

One of their guys was wearing a Derek Jeter jersey. When I saw him before the game, I began preparing a few good "Jeter sucks" comments I could hurl as I ran the bases. I changed my mind after his first at-bat because I realized that guy, in all likelihood, was the real Derek Jeter. These are the kind of thoughts you instill in an opponent when you go for 15 RBIs in three innings. At the best, recruiting major league is dishonest; at the worst, IT'S TREASONOUS!

Alright, I forgot my point. Maybe it's that athletic competition is moronic, which I already took to heart as an adolescent. Maybe it's that the softball assocation should perform some sort of skills test before allowing teams into the Novice league, and if anybody cheats, they should be shot immediately. And maybe it's that Derek Jeter really does suck. All I really know is that tonight, we'll get destroyed.